Grace & Gratitude

Hey there fellow dreamers!

I couldn’t let April come and go without me sharing an update. This past month was a lot, if I am honest with you, and there were so many different emotions I was going through…I promise you it was an emotional roller coaster.

In my last post I discussed decisions and particularly choosing to stay positive and strong in my faith as my mom just went in the hospital last month and was on a ventilator. I am happy to say that she is now home and improving little by little which is truly a blessing. It was a journey to get to this feeling.

She went into the hospital at the end of March and was on a ventilator till April 9. This was the first time in my life that I didn’t hear from my momma on my actual birthday. It actually wasn’t until Easter that I first spoke to my mom in the midst of all this. I promise you it felt like a gift from God that on Resurrection Sunday I finally hear my mom’s voice and see her face (thank God for FaceTime)!

In the two weeks that she was on the ventilator, I felt as if I was holding my breath and the only way I was getting by was God and the faith and prayers of others. I was doing my best to keep my faith and continuing to pray and ask for God’s will to be done but it wasn’t until I heard that my mom was out of the CCU that I had my first real sigh of relief.

After that a whole host of new emotions came up as my mom was released and a former colleague passed away at a young age (all within the same week). With my mom’s release there was anxiousness, excitement, anger, gratitude, and even guilt. Anxious about if she was being released too soon. Excitement about her being out of the hospital. Anger at the hospital for mistakes they made in the midst of her release. Gratitude for my brother being there and able to take care of our momma. And guilt as I was away and unsure if I was doing enough. Just days after my mom’s release I discovered that a friend passed away. Someone that I hadn’t spoken to in years who was so young. I was sad and guilty. Sad that she was gone and guilty about not speaking to her enough and feeling like a bad friend to someone who was only a positive memory in my life. I didn’t even realize it but that guilt was keeping me up for a few nights until my sister spoke with me and prayed with me about it.

I would like to say that I am in a better place as I write this post. I honestly would not be here if I didn’t serve an amazing God who gives me grace when I don’t earn it and has put sooo many great people in my life. People that have lifted me and my family up during this time. People that have been honest with me even if I didn’t want to accept or face the truth. People that were able to celebrate the small victories and great moments even when I wasn’t strong enough to.

As this next month begins I plan to enter it with an attitude of gratitude and be thankful for what each new day brings and the opportunity to push toward the dreams that God has placed in my heart!

Until next time,

I’m Ciggy!